


Five Things Collection

by AuroraNova



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-30 01:04:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 10,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5144651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraNova/pseuds/AuroraNova
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twenty-seven entries from the now-closed SG1_Five_Things LiveJournal community. Mostly gen, some slash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Five Books Jack Has Read

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote these between 2010 and 2012 and quite like some of them, so they've made my repost list.

_Animal Farm._ It was the only book that he liked in English class his junior year of high school. His mother had almost fainted when he said he liked the book they were reading.

_The Best Baby Name Book in the Whole World._ Sara sent it to him to tell him she was pregnant. He probably looked like an idiot grinning through target practice, but he hadn’t cared. He still has the book packed in his attic.

_War and Peace._ He won fifty bucks by finishing it before Kawalsky when they were both recovering from injuries. That was back when fifty bucks bought a lot more.

Both volumes of _The Gods of the Egyptians_. He checked them out of the library right after the first Abydos mission. He’s never mentioned this to Daniel, because he just knows he’d be given a stack of books to correct the archaeological sins of Budge.

_The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy._ Only because Fraiser wouldn’t let him out of the infirmary and Teal’c brought it for him. He didn’t like it. Any book that begins with the destruction of Earth sucks as far as he’s concerned.


	2. Five Christmas-like Holidays on Planets other than Earth

1\. “…we’re recreating the journey of the sages who traveled to present their gifts to their infant goddess,” concluded Daniel Jackson.

 O’Neill nodded. “So, we’re the three wise men.”

 “And one wise woman,” added Teal’c. He had quickly learned of Captain Carter’s thoughts regarding the exclusion of women. While they were new to him, he took pains not to aggravate her on the subject.

 “No,” replied O’Neill. “Sure, Carter’s got brains, but that’s not what I mean here. We’re talking the wise men from the Bible. I played one in four consecutive Christmas plays when I was a kid.”

 Teal’c wondered if he would ever understand the Tau’ri.

 

2\. The Chalkorians celebrated a holiday that only Daniel could pronounce. As far as he knew, it originated completely on Chalkor and had no roots on Earth. While Daniel was explaining something about a sacred forest, Jack spotted an enormous Christmas tree. Okay, it was a holiday-none-of-them-but-Daniel-could-pronounce tree. But it had ornaments and some kind of wide tinsel and presents. There was even a – well, there was something big and shiny on the top. Jack felt an immediate kinship with the Chalkorians.

 

3\. “Um, Daniel?”

“Yes?”

“I thought you said this was gonna be a celebration.”

“It is.”

“Seems more like a funeral.”

“These songs are celebrating the birth of their god.”

“I’ve heard jauntier funeral dirges.”

“I don’t even want to know.”

 

4\. “He said we need to take our socks off,” translated Daniel.

“Why?” asked Jack, as though removing his socks was an invitation to sic a horde of Jaffa on him.

“It’s kind of cold,” noted Sam, whose feet got cold easily.

After a second, Daniel grinned. “In the morning our socks will be filled with sweets and dried fruit.”

“Hmph,” said Jack, rustling through his backpack. “Better use clean socks, then. No need to scare Santa off.”

 

5\. Sam commandeered Daniel’s video camera for proof. There was no way anybody would believe this without seeing it. Daniel was beside himself with the cross-cultural implications. Teal’c was looking for a red nose. The colonel was muttering something about collecting on a bet he’d made with Jimmy Wright when he was seven years old.

Unbelievable. Thirty-nine thousand light-years from Earth, and they found a man flying a sleigh with reindeer.


	3. Five Jaffa Teal'c Wanted to Turn to the Rebellion but Couldn't

His father. He would have very much liked to show his father that there was hope, that Jaffa need not suffer under false gods who would order the impossible and kill when it was not accomplished. But his father had been dead for longer than all of Teal’c’s Tau’ri friends had been alive. He did not wish his mother was still alive to join the rebellion. The rebellion required much sacrifice, and she had lost enough in her life.

Dara’c, his cousin. They had spent the early part of their childhoods together, playing the kind of games that prepared Jaffa boys for combat training, until Teal’c and his mother were banished. In the early days of his service to Apophis, Teal’c once heard that Dara’c was a promising servant to Cronus, and that was the last he knew of his cousin. Inquiries would be taken as disloyalty to Apophis. This severance from his kin and friend was another of the early reasons Teal’c began to hate the Goa’uld.

Ahvez, his izthemca-el. As far as he was aware, the Tau’ri had no such relationship. She had no brother to protect her and he had no sister to protect, so they chose either other in the izthemca relationship. On one of his trips back to Chulak he tried to convince her to join the rebellion, but she would not. In the decades since their childhood Ahvez had married and raised two sons, only to have both her husband and sons die for Apophis. She could not bring herself to believe that their lives and deaths had been for nothing, but he was her izthemca-dur and neither could she report him. He left her home with a heavy heart.

By chance and skill SG-1 managed to capture Moloc’s First Prime, Kevod. Teal’c spent three days trying to turn Kevod to the rebel cause. The defection of another First Prime would send a powerful message, and Kevod was intelligent enough to realize the Goa’uld were false gods. But he was not brave enough to acknowledge that truth, and tried to escape. O’Neill killed him, and Teal’c thought it appropriate that it was one of the Tau’ri Kevod thought so insignificant who ended his life.

Unim’iq, a Jaffa in the service of Ba’al. SG-1 found him abandoned on a desert moon, the sole survivor of a crash. Ba’al and his Jaffa had not cared enough to search for Unim’iq and the gate was unknown to the Goa’uld. Teal’c had high hopes that he could convince the young, abandoned Jaffa to join the rebel cause. Instead Unim’iq tried to capture SG-1 and deliver them to Ba’al, and Teal’c was forced to kill him.


	4. Five Languages Daniel Wishes He Could Speak

American Sign Language. Technically, he wouldn’t be speaking it, but no matter. His father knew ASL because Daniel’s paternal grandmother, who died before he was old enough to remember her, was deaf, and right before the accident that killed his parents Daniel’s ASL lessons had commenced. He’s never been able to bring himself to learn from anyone else. When he says that he wishes he knew ASL, what he really means is that he wishes his father had lived to teach him.

Romanian. It’s the only romance language he doesn’t speak, and that irks him for some reason he can’t quite explain. He thinks one of these days he might go spend a couple of weeks in Romania, which he can afford now that he’s got a good paying job. When he mentions this to Jack, he gets a comment about reading Dracula stories in the original language. He starts to roll his eyes, then seizes the opportunity to ask how Jack know so much about vampires. (The answer turns out less interesting than he’d hoped: a book lying around near a bored Jack in an infirmary, years ago.) Nevertheless, he wants to go to Romania. SG-1 just needs to get leave that doesn’t involve him staying in the infirmary.

Norse. It’s an extinct language, of course, but that’s never stopped him before. This is prompted by their discovery of the Asgard. Not that he has time to do a comprehensive comparison of Norse mythology to what they know about the Asgard anyway, but it would be an interesting counterexample to the Goa’uld, as well as potentially useful offworld. Well, any language is potentially useful offworld, so that’s not much of a reason. Daniel is just insatiably curious.

Teenaged girl. This is a variant of English, so in theory it shouldn’t be that difficult. As any linguist knows, however, language relies a great deal on the reciprocal relationship between words and mindset. The latter gives him a great deal of trouble from time to time with Cassie as she chatters on about things he’s never heard of while sending text messages in a shorthand he only half understands. Janet tells him fluency in this language isn’t entirely possible, and she even meets the gender requirement.

Chinese. Even though he knows he only needs to speak Goa’uld, which he is fluent in, when he goes undercover as Yu’s lo’taur he wishes he spoke Chinese. Sometimes he reads in the newspaper about the rise of China and, again, wishes he spoke the language. It’s a hard language to learn, at least by Earth standards, and would take a lot of his time. He never seems to have enough time as it is, and learning Ancient is really a more pressing matter these days.

 


	5. Five Mission Reports of 100 Words or Less

P1Y-705 is not uninhabited as previously believed. We were greeted by a large mob armed with muskets. Did not need Dr. Jackson to translate the shouting and waving of weapons. Took MALP and gated home. Suggest more extensive surveillance protocols.

We gated to P2X-334, saw a tornado approaching, and gated home. Tornado was moving so quickly we left the MALP behind. MALP no longer transmitting. See Captain Carter’s proposal for sturdier MALPs.

As soon as we got to P8Z-372, Teal’c recognized indications that Cronus might have an undercover base. Decided risks outweighed benefits at Teal’c’s urging and returned home.

Upon arrival we learned that P9V-081 has very acidic rain. Four sets of BDUs, one staff weapon, two P-90s, MALP, and another pair of Dr. Jackson’s glasses now unsalvageable. Dr. Fraiser reports no permanent damage to members of SG-1 but says P9V-081 unfit for further exploration.

Our arrival on P6X-923 attracted the attention of large, elephant-like creatures with some kind of natural body armor. When eight of them started charging, we dialed home as quickly as possible. MALP no longer transmitting; presumed trampled.


	6. Five Missions After Which SG-1 Fudged the Reports

P3K-058. Jack, Sam, and Daniel decided that nobody really needed to know about the incident where Teal’c’s mere presence gave the chieftain’s daughter nightmares. Nothing could be done about it – that gold tattoo was not made to be removed – and general knowledge of the episode could hinder Teal’c’s acceptance at SGC. Since Teal’c was still writing his reports in Goa’uld, Daniel edited out mention of the girl’s nightmares in his translation.

P2C-491. They’d been kept in some kind of twisted zoo for five days before escaping, and there were only so many embarrassing details about that confinement which they were willing to put on the record. Through creative wording they managed to craft the impression that they had at least retained undergarments when, in fact, they’d spent those five days stark naked. They also developed a case of collective amnesia regarding attempts to breed Sam with Jack, Daniel, and Teal’c in turn.

Euronda. They were brutally honest for most of their reports. Jack admitted that not listening to Daniel was a “failure of leadership.” Sam confessed to having been blinded by the technology. Teal’c regretted not requiring Alar to prove himself. Daniel offered an essay detailing how SGC’s emphasis on weapons procurement practically assured that something like this would happen. All of this was SG-1 at their most honest – right up until the end, where they all omitted any mention of their strong suspicions that Alar had died trying to follow them back. They knew too well how dangerous that information could be in the wrong hands.

P9X-227. The inhabitants, an empathic and decidedly not human race known as the Glamar-ka, had a complicated five-stage test to determine if an individual was worth their ‘tutelage.’ Jack, Sam, and Teal’c didn’t even make it to the fourth stage. After the fifth stage, the Glamar-ka declared that Daniel had passed and, while Jack had not, he was permitted to remain on the planet with his mate. Sam and Teal’c returned to Earth; they informed General Hammond that Daniel was learning from the Glamar-ka and Jack was allowed to remain because he wouldn’t hear of Daniel staying alone. This was true, as far as it went, and was the version of events that made it into all of their reports.

Haight - Ashbury. (That was Jack’s name, not the official designation.) They actually got high from the _air_. That had to be reported. For one thing, Janet would’ve found out anyway, and for another their failure to check in remotely on time had to be explained. What they emphatically did not include was their very regrettable decision to join a yodeling karaoke contest. (This planet was likely the only place in the galaxy where yodeling and karaoke were combined.) In fact, on the way back to the stargate they quickly agreed to never mention yodeling karaoke ever again. If anyone ever asks, Teal’c plans to say he won the trophy in a bowling contest.


	7. Five Movies Which Were Poor Choices for Team Night

_Titanic_. Daniel was offended that instead of proper underwater archaeologists the movie featured treasure hunters. Jack was offended that he’d wasted his money on such a dumb movie and proceeded to mockingly quote it for three weeks. (There really was no end to his uses for “I’m the king of the world!”) Sam didn’t mind the movie at first, but two days later when “My Heart Will Go On” was still stuck in her head, she reacted badly to any mention of it. Teal’c was the only one who really liked it, but then again at that point he was so fascinated with movies in general that he had yet to encounter one he disliked.

_The Sound of Music_. Teal’c requested this one because Janet spoke highly of it. The movie alone wasn’t the problem. Nobody could have guessed that the next day their mission would bring them into contact with flowers which produced intoxicating pollen. They returned singing their own version of “My Favorite Things,” and badly at that. Despite their best efforts, none of them were ever able to destroy all copies of the incriminating security footage.

_Battlefield Earth_. The movie just sucked. Between the four of them, they couldn’t find a single redeeming feature.

_A Knight’s Tale._ Sam and Daniel suspected there was an artistic reason for all the anachronisms, but none of them could find one. Teal’c’s eyebrows spent the entire film raised to new heights in disbelief. Daniel’s knee-jerk objections to historical inaccuracy got a bit loud and he nearly gave their presence away. This was a problem since their real objective was to spy on Cassandra’s date (Janet hadn’t particularly trusted this boy, but she had patients). Then again, when this boy tried to kiss Cassie, Jack’s growl almost gave them away. On the plus side, Cassie decided she didn’t like her date very much and wouldn’t see him again, sparing SG-1 further covert movie theater operations.

_Catch Me If You Can._ Vala liked this movie entirely too much. It made the rest of the team nervous.


	8. Five Mysteries Daniel Has Yet to Solve

1\. A few weeks after his return from Abydos, when he’d yet to earn the respect of most of the military personnel, someone switched his coffee to decaf. He’s never been able to identify the guilty party. Jack blamed it on the Marines, but there was very little Jack wouldn’t try to blame on the Marines. 

2\. If the Goa’uld stepped into preexisting roles of Egyptian gods or created the roles. He’d asked Selmak and learned that Egeria had blocked part of the genetic memory of her offspring so that they remained compassionate. He doesn’t hold much hope for ever figuring this out. Maybe someday when the program goes public, he thinks, and enough archaeologists can work on learning the truth about Earth’s past. There’s always a chance he’ll get lucky and find a record offworld, though. 

3\. Whether or not some mythical creatures such as centaurs, ogres and elves were in fact visiting aliens, or at least inspired by beings from another world. He strongly suspects this is the case, but has no proof. What he does know is that if SG-1 ever encounters a race of satyrs, Sam is going to have a terrible time keeping a straight face. 

4\. The Furlings. He has nothing more than their name and the samples of their writing from Ernest. He once asked Thor about the Furlings, only to be told, “It would be a grievous breach of Furling custom to provide you with details about them.” What really irks Daniel about this is his nagging feeling that he knew more about the Furlings the first time he ascended. 

5\. Jack’s middle name. He even tried a little research on this one, but came up empty-handed. Apparently J. sufficed for the Air Force. Daniel has concluded that Jack’s middle name might as well be the code to the entire nuclear arsenal of the United States, but doesn’t mention this to Jack because it would make the other man entirely too happy. Better to pretend he couldn’t care less.


	9. Five Secrets Teal'c Knows About His Teammates

He knows the PIN to make ATM withdrawals from O’Neill’s account. When the Ancient knowledge was downloaded into O’Neill’s brain, he wished to eat a ‘real’ steak, one that did not come from the mess hall. Teal’c obliged by retrieving the steak. On several occasions since he has performed this service for O’Neill. Doctor Fraiser allows special meal deliveries because it makes O’Neill a more cooperative patient. O’Neill’s PIN changes annually at the end of hockey season; it is always the Avalanche season record. 

He knows that for months after using the Tok’ra memory device, Major Carter dreamt of Jolinar’s life. On several occasions when they shared a tent, she spoke Goa’uld in her sleep. He does not know how much of the dreams, if any, she recalls; he suspects it is little, because when conscious she knows only a few phrases of Goa’uld. 

He knows that Daniel Jackson does not like the taste of figs, but likes to eat them because he associates them with pleasant memories from his early childhood in Egypt. The confection known as ‘Fig Newtons’ is not an acceptable substitute. 

He alone knows how much the undercover mission to expose the NID cost O’Neill. He offered his supportive presence when O’Neill returned. O’Neill needed to be reassured that he had not irreparably damaged his relationships with the team, but Major Carter and Daniel Jackson were still too pained that they were not entrusted with the secret. Teal’c accepted that O’Neill had no choice in the matter. It was done. Over a copious amount of beer, O’Neill confessed that of all the distasteful things he had done out of duty, this was one of the most difficult. 

He knows that on occasion, when Major Carter and Daniel Jackson are reminded of all he did as First Prime of Apophis, they experience a moment of disgust and revulsion. They would deny it, and they actively suppress it, but he is aware. He does not begrudge them this. O’Neill has done too much, particularly those Special Ops missions about which he cannot speak, to feel the same as Major Carter and Daniel Jackson. He and Teal’c understand each other in this, and share a desire that their teammates may never carry the burden of that understanding.


	10. Five Suggested Missions that Hammond Nixed Without a Second Thought

1\. Dr. Jackson’s proposal for a month-long underwater archaeology expedition which might or might not have been related to the Greek god Neptune. There was no way he could justify spending that much money, not to mention nobody at SGC was a marine archaeologist and they lacked the appropriate equipment. But that made him realize SG-1 hadn’t been on an archaeological mission lately, so he approved a mission to study a ruined temple of Ra. It wasn’t until he was driving home in the evening that he began to suspect that had been Dr. Jackson’s plan all along.

2\. Major Ferretti’s suggestion that SG-2 could cement the friendship between Earth and Hakonikos by participating in the Hakonikonian Olympics. That had seemed like a reasonable enough plan until Lieutenant Ulster let it slip that some of the events were potentially fatal. Hammond thought perhaps SG-2 was getting a bit complacent about cheating death.

3\. After SG-7 came back from a planet transitioning into a little ice age, Colonel O’Neill made the case that they should introduce the population to hockey. Hammond was inclined to be lenient, since SG-1 had just come back from their ordeal with that damned addictive light, but hockey lessons were simply out of the question. Instead he sent them to a nice uninhabited planet where they tried panning for naquadah.

4\. Dr. Lee’s requested mission to P1D-996. MALP footage had captured something that actually looked like the Loch Ness Monster, and the biologists threatened mutiny when Hammond refused to let them go. Fortunately, not one of them was any good with a weapon. And evidently not one of them had a sense of self-preservation, because the footage had also shown enormous wasps trying to sting the MALP and their stingers were so large, the resulting blood loss for a human would clearly be a problem.

5\. Teal’c desperately wanted to go take revenge on Amaterasu’s First Prime. He proposed a complicated mission involving the _Prometheus_ , fitting SG-3 with Anise’s armbands, and the use of more grenades than SGC usually went through in a quarter. That had been the first sign that SG-1 was infected with alien bacteria. Hammond could only thank his lucky stars it wasn’t a contagious variety of bacteria.


	11. Five People Who Came Out After Don't Ask Don't Tell Was Repealed

_In my head, this is set in season 8._

1 & 2\. Jack O’Neill and Daniel Jackson simply started inviting people to a barbeque at their new house. In under an hour everyone at SGC who wasn’t offworld knew about them, although infuriatingly they refused to admit how long they’d been together. (This particularly irked those with a stake in the betting pool, which was a good percentage of personnel.) When anyone asked, “Wait, you and General O’Neill?” Daniel replied, “Yes, and don’t make any jokes about archaeologists and old things. That’s playing with fire.” Since Daniel was the only person who ever seemed to get away with playing with fire in regards to Jack, not a soul brought that up. When anyone asked, “Wait, you and Dr. Jackson?” Jack smiled and said, “Yes, and don’t tell me you didn’t know about the betting pool.”

3\. Lieutenant Amy Rogers of SG-15 taped a picture of a woman up in her locker and, when asked, explained that it was her girlfriend. It seemed nobody had really seen that coming, and several Marines were heard bemoaning the loss of a great fantasy until one bright spark pointed out they now had a real-life hot lesbian fantasy. Unfortunately for them, and fortunately for Rogers, they were overheard by Teal’c, who glared at the Marines and asked if they truly believed that sexually objectifying valued SGC personnel was honorable behavior. All of them hastily agreed that it wasn’t and en masse remembered somewhere else they had to be.

4\. Sergeant Wallstein in the mess hall was asked his plans for leave and proudly answered that he was going to celebrate his tenth anniversary with his boyfriend. Ever since he’d arrived, blue Jell-O had been available more often than not, so everyone had assumed he had some kind of crush on Sam Carter. He apologized for using her as a red herring, and she forgave him with the understanding that blue Jell-O would still be forthcoming on a regular basis.

5\. SGC’s new diplomatic liaison, Lt. Colonel Paul Davis, asked Dr. Derek Avery out to dinner. (Dr. Avery, head geologist, was a civilian and hadn’t come out, because that would’ve required being in first.) That alone wouldn’t have constituted coming out, except that their date was observed by Captain Harmon, who was the biggest gossip on base and possibly all of Colorado Springs. It was a good thing the date went well, with the promise of another, because the next morning all of Cheyenne Mountain knew about it. In this case, though, many personnel did a remarkably bad job of pretending to be surprised about Davis.


	12. Five Things Included in the Unofficial "Welcome to SGC" Briefing

1\. It is in everyone’s best interest to keep Dr. Jackson, Major Carter, and Teal’c happy. This is because when Colonel O’Neill’s ‘kids’ aren’t happy, he isn’t happy. And if Colonel O’Neill isn’t happy, nobody’s happy. 

2\. When Major Davis makes an appearance, it never hurts to make sure your will has been updated. Just in case. 

3\. There are two days every month when Dr. Fraiser keeps a stash of chocolate nearby. On those days, unless you’re dangerously ill or wounded, smart people are model patients. Even Colonel O’Neill, and he likes to live dangerously. And whatever you do, do not, repeat NOT, mention PMS. 

4\. Whenever SGC goes into lockdown, the surveillance cameras in the storage rooms on level 19, section C never work. Personnel who benefit from this happy circumstance traditionally bring expensive pastries to Maintenance once the lockdown is lifted (baklava is always a hit). Gourmet chocolates are also accepted. 

5\. Don’t ask, don’t tell, and don’t flirt with Dr. Jackson, because Colonel O’Neill will make you rue the day you even heard of Stargate Command.


	13. Five Things Jack Didn't Like About Being Invisible

People kept bumping into him, crowding him in the elevator, and spilling stuff on him. Sgt. Porters was in such a hurry that he actually knocked Jack to the floor, where he landed at the worst possible angle. His tailbone bugged him for three weeks afterwards. He had the contents of two trays of food dumped on his back and Lt. Wills sat on him one afternoon at lunch. All of this was a disconcerting change from being saluted, which Jack decided he much preferred. 

It wasn’t possible to get a good steak on base. Or a beer, for that matter. And he couldn’t just order delivery when he was sick of mess hall food, what with the whole top-secret thing. He tried having Daniel bring him Applebee’s, but by the time Jack got the food it was lukewarm and not at all the same. 

He and Reynolds had planned to go to an Avalanche game, but of course Jack couldn’t leave the base, and he ended up giving his ticket to Warren. It was the most exciting game of the season, and watching it on TV was not the same. Plus, since lockdown quarters didn’t have TVs, he had to watch it in Teal’c’s quarters on his tiny TV. With Teal’c, who’d just been introduced to psychoanalysis and decided to apply it to hockey. 

Becoming invisible turned him into Carter’s personal guinea pig. This was not Jack’s idea of a good time. He had a great deal of respect for Carter and her proven abilities, but he did not like being her project. Also, she never took his hints about setting him loose. He soon resorted to simply leaving her lab. It didn’t escape Jack that being the NID’s guinea pig would be much worse. Just the idea took a lot of the fun out of being invisible.

Daniel absolutely refused to make an exception to their no sex on base rule, even though Jack was stuck on base and had come up with such a great plan for sharing a shower. Also, Daniel didn’t find the whole sex-with-invisible-Jack much of a turn on, which was unfortunate because Jack thought it had a lot of potential. This was the last straw, as far as he was concerned. Sure, he let Carter think she talked him into becoming visible again. Really, it was all Daniel. Or more precisely, lack of Daniel.


	14. Five Things Jack Has Said 100 Times

“It doesn’t work that way here.” Teal’c has to be told this frequently for quite some time. Among some of the Jaffa’s crazier assumptions was his expectation that the goalie who cost his team the Stanley Cup would be executed or at least exiled, and that General Hammond could forbid the serving of brussels sprouts at SGC.

“It’s just a minor flesh wound.” Fraiser rarely believes him. 

“Leave it!” This is invariably directed at Carter or Daniel (usually Daniel). Someone has to remind them that doohickies and artifacts are great, but there’s a large horde of angry Jaffa coming and SG-1 needs to get to the gate right away. That someone is Jack. Teal’c is most often providing cover fire by this point. 

“What day are we on now?” He loses track when they’re offworld. Especially when the mission drags on longer than planned, which missions have a way of doing for SG-1. 

“Hey. You’re here.” This is what he says when he wakes Daniel up from a nightmare about blowing up the sub with Jack and Teal’c still on board or being eaten by Unas or really destroying Moscow. Jack’s had enough nightmares of his own; he knows not to offer hollow platitudes. Instead he just says, “Hey. You’re here,” and pulls Daniel close.


	15. Five Things Jack Keeps in His Tac Vest

Claritin. Daniel has a tendency to forget his when he’s especially excited about a mission. Because the Goa’uld don’t stop for allergies, Jack has an arrangement with Fraiser where she lets him have a few prescription-strength pills at a time.

Bubble gum. It can amuse him while he’s on watch, and it’s a great diplomatic tool. This is a universal constant: give kids their first pieces of bubble gum, and they’ll love you forever. When Jack’s really lucky, the parents appreciate that SG-1 likes their kids.

Rubber bands. Carter asked, “Have you been watching MacGyver reruns lately, sir?” Then he used a couple of them to hold back a latch in the course of breaking her out of prison. The next morning she gave him a rubber band ball.

Chapstick with sunblock. It’s true that sunburned lips were the least of his problems after his little jaunt through the Iraqi desert. But it was damned unpleasant and he intends to avoid the experience again if at all possible.

A quarter. He likes to ~~amuse himself~~ keep his Special Ops skills sharp by planting it for Daniel to find. It’s become a weird sort of tradition with them. Also, handy as a weapon. Teal’c once used Jack’s quarter in some kind of slingshot to knock a man out. He never got that quarter back.


	16. Five Things Jacob and Selmak Disagreed About

Airplane seating. Jacob had always liked to be in the aisle seat, so he didn’t have to squeeze past people on the way to the bathroom. Selmak preferred window seats to look at Earth from above. They worked out a compromise system: every trip to visit Mark and the kids, Selmak got the window seat on the way there and Jacob got the aisle seat on the way back. Jacob was convinced that booking agents thought he had OCD when he made this request. 

Teal’c. Jacob was inclined to trust anyone who had earned the confidence of his daughter and George Hammond. Selmak, due to a series of unpleasant experiences with Jaffa over the years, needed three years before agreeing. 

Architecture. Jacob bemoaned that the design of Tok’ra bases didn’t allow for much privacy in personal quarters. Selmak thought it was sociable. 

Skiing. Actually, Alaska in general. Jacob thoroughly enjoyed his post-Netu vacation there with Sam. They took skiing lessons together. Selmak thought Jacob was overcompensating for the heat of Netu and that it was pointless to travel down a mountain only to get on a ski lift and go back up. 

Politics. As Jacob reminded Selmak every November, only one of them was eligible to vote, and no, he didn’t care what Selmak said about fiscal policy, he wouldn’t vote for a man who’d clearly dodged the draft. The great exception to this disagreement was Senator Kinsey. They both disliked him.


	17. Five Things Sam Learned from Jolinar

1\. How to repair a damaged zat. This was a very useful skill, particularly since Jaffa were fond of throwing aside their damaged zats. SG-1 might never have made it back from P1Y-742 if not for the zats Sam fixed. It was also a good way to acquire more zats. Eventually Sam found routine repairs to be good work when she was stressed out and needed to accomplish something that didn’t require as much focus as some of her other projects. 

2\. The meaning of a dozen or so Goa’uld words and phrases, including a few that Teal’c had resolutely insisted could not be translated properly. It turned out the Goa’uld did indeed have curse words. True, the concepts were hard to translate exactly, but she managed to at least get the basic point across. Daniel was delighted; Colonel O’Neill was amused; and Teal’c was neither. 

3\. Sometimes being a woman could be a tactical advantage. True, Sam had known this before, but she’d never been willing to even consider it. She still disliked the idea, but a few months after Jolinar when Colonel O’Neill suggested she could distract the guards who’d been eyeing her, she suddenly remembered a couple of occasions where Jolinar had flirted her way to accomplishing a mission. Sam gritted her teeth for a moment, conceded that the colonel had a perfectly reasonable strategy, and decided she wasn’t betraying her principles too terribly. 

4\. P3X-509 would look like an uninhabited world, but a System Lord named Ba’al had a base there, hoping to entrap another Goa’uld. Escape would be near impossible. Thankfully General Hammond, while not entirely certain what to think about Jolinar, was inclined to err on the side of caution and not send a team to P3X-509. 

5\. The recipe for a cake that Sam would never bake because the ingredients weren’t found on Earth. A few times during the first month after Jolinar, Sam craved this cake. She was not happy. Daniel sweetly took her to Applebee’s for the triple chocolate meltdown, her usual favorite, but it wasn’t the same. Sam was angry that Jolinar made her favorite cake seem like settling for second best.


	18. Five Times Jack Regretted a Command Decision

1\. Sending Kawalsky and Delham off on a standard recon in Bogotá. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time, interrupted a dispute between rival drug lords, and guns were drawn. Delham bled out on some back alleyway. It was his first mission since his honeymoon. 

2\. Allowing Daniel to talk him into SG-1 participating in a rain dance on P4Z-184. Halfway into the preparations, when it was too late to back out without offending the natives and losing any possibility of accessing their naquadah, they were informed that the ritual required everyone to shave their eyebrows. Carter didn’t forgive him or Daniel until hers grew back. It didn’t help that, of the four of them, her eyebrows grew back the slowest.

3\. SG-1 and SG-3 shared an involuntary week-long campout on P5X-027. The first night after their MREs were gone, he delegated cooking duty to Reynolds. It was a mistake he never repeated. Everyone went to bed hungry that night. 

4\. Deciding to wait until cover of darkness before sneaking back to the gate and leaving the Planet of the Bird People. It had been a sound strategic plan at the time, but they soon learned that the planet was also home to large, hungry wolves. Since shooting the wolves would give away their position, SG-1 was forced to spend the night perched up in trees. It had been one of the longer nights of Jack’s life.

5\. Letting Carter work with her Replicator counterpart. After that incident, it took him a week and a half to get a decent night’s sleep. During that week and a half, his subconscious found a variety of ways to show him how RepliCarter could destroy the universe.


	19. Five Times Major Davis Was a Patient at the SCG Infirmary

His first visit to the infirmary as a patient took place when he slipped on ice in the Cheyenne Mountain parking lot, fell awkwardly, and sprained his wrist. Stupid Colorado winters. 

He had the misfortune to be at SGC discussing routine matters when SG-2 brought back a highly contagious virus which only affected men. This led to a multitude of jokes which female personnel found hilarious. Davis was too busy throwing up to pay the jokes any heed. 

Major Davis with a steaming mug of coffee + Dr. Lee trying to read and walk simultaneously = one very pissed major being treated for a minor burn to his arm. 

He doesn’t remember much of his fourth stint in the infirmary. It involved abnormally high pheromones and an alien STD and he doesn’t want to recall any more, thank you very much. It was curable and that’s all he needs to know. 

Davis had always scoffed at superstitions around Friday the 13th. That is, until he walked under a ladder at SGC one Friday the 13th and it promptly collapsed, hitting his back and knocking him on the cement floor. He needed stitches and still has a small scar on his chin from this incident. The fact that an invisible alien turned out to be responsible didn’t make him feel any better about the whole Friday the 13th thing.


	20. Five Times SG-1 Narrowly Escaped Without Knowing It

Daniel had no way of knowing, but when he fired on that tank of larval Goa’uld he saved Sam and Teal’c. The tank contained a particularly ruthless and ambitious symbiote which called itself Ophel. Ophel would have advanced in Goa’uld society by killing Teal’c, deliberately ending the Jaffa’s life in the same slow, painful way that his father had been killed. Sam would have been captured with Teal’c, and after she’d suffered the pain of her teammate’s agonizing death, Ophel would have taken her as a host in the hopes of accessing Jolinar’s memories. Sam had no way of knowing this either, but if she had, she might have fired at the tank herself. 

SG-1 arrived on P4Z-221 in the middle of a windstorm. Within ten second of their arrival all their hats were airborne and Daniel’s glasses were teetering on the edge of his nose. Jack wasted no time having Daniel dial home (with one hand keeping his glasses in place). A couple months later, SG-2 visited the planet and returned with reports of no technology, but pleasant natives and something Ferretti swore was a flying dog. Those pleasant natives hadn’t mentioned their prophecy which demanded the killing of anyone who came via the stargate in the middle of the spring storms. They’d thought visitors had arrived that spring and had raced to the gate with the proscribed poison spears, but found nobody and concluded that the wind had fooled them into thinking the gate had activated. 

Sam spent half her morning talking to the police as a witness to a fatal car accident. A tired trucker had careened into a Mustang, and the poor man driving the Mustang never stood a chance. Later, she reflected on how death could come as suddenly on Earth as any alien planet, how easily it could have been her own car that was hit. She couldn’t know that it would have been her. It never occurred to her that Cassie’s quick call that morning – they weren’t even on a whole minute, just confirming that Sam would take Cassie shopping for Janet’s Christmas gift – had saved her life. Had Cassandra not called, it would’ve been Sam lying in a morgue, another victim of tired trucking. And without her to realize that SG-11’s latest artifact was a bomb, SGC would’ve been blown to bits, causing much of Cheyenne Mountain to collapse. 

Jack took his usual position, going through the gate last. This planet – the fourth in six months called ‘New Earth’ in one language or another – had nothing of interest to SGC, so he doubted they’d be back. It was a nice enough place, he figured. Sort of dull, maybe, but the three missions before this one had seen SG-1 encounter an earthquake, Jaffa who refused to believe Ra was dead, and a booby-trapped Goa’uld palace, so Jack was happy enough to visit a nice, peaceful agrarian society. As Jack walked through the gate, Cronus’s First Prime was attempting to dial in. He couldn’t with the gate already active, of course, but a couple of minutes later successfully dialed in and sent a garrison of Jaffa streaming through in search of potential new hosts. 

Daniel was supremely unhappy that he hadn’t gotten the chance to explore an octagonal building (or, more accurately, the remains of what had once been an octagonal building), but even he had to admit that the ravenous insects were a concern. Jack was starting to mutter about blood loss, and Daniel saw medical tests in their future; Janet was always worrying about insect-transmitted diseases. Sam was in such a foul mood she’d started cursing a blue streak, while Teal’c had stopped speaking at all and actually fired his staff weapon at one particularly dense cluster of the bugs. Those insects saved them, because the floor of that octagonal building would have given way. The fall would have been unpleasant, but it was the nest of poisonous snakes living under the floor which would have killed SG-1.


	21. Five Times Teal'c Prevented a Diplomatic Incident

He recognized the address of P1X-994 as a world once ravaged by Apophis and his Jaffa. While Teal’c had never personally been there, he had no doubt that his appearance would hinder the mission. O’Neill was likely to protest if Teal’c removed himself on that basis alone. Therefore, after some deliberation, Teal’c was able to present certain angles of the truth more strongly than others, and received permission from General Hammond to go to the Land of the Light and visit his son. The mission to P1X-994 went smoothly without him. 

SG-1 got into a firefight with Jaffa serving Yu and in the process did considerable damage to a tree of great significance to a race known as the Koliad. Daniel Jackson was distressed, not only at the damage but at the potential to harm relations with the Koliad. Teal’c neatly covered the bullet holes with staff blasts which could be blamed on Yu’s Jaffa. 

With less than a second to spare, he prevented O’Neill from petting what, to Tau’ri eyes, appeared to be a dog. It was in fact a vosh-da, revered on most worlds not ruled by the Goa’uld. Touching a vosh-da was permissible only after undergoing a ritual cleansing, which O’Neill of course had not. Daniel Jackson believed that, had Teal’c not intervened, SG-1 would have been taken as temple servants for a year of atonement. 

While his teammates attempted to convince the inhabitants of P4Z-287 that SG-1 meant no harm by interrupting the crowning of their king, Teal’c noticed a suspicious person. He kept a close watch and, when the man pulled out a knife in close proximity to the king, Teal’c swiftly disarmed the would-be assailant without causing any permanent damage. The king was most grateful and SG-1’s interruption was immediately forgotten. 

He convinced the Ophivo that their stew was delicious but, unfortunately, the other members of SG-1 were vegetarians. This eliminated the likelihood that Major Carter, who was not talented at hiding her disgust when she disliked food, would offend the highly sensitive and naquadah-rich Ophivo. The stew was the single most disgusting thing Teal’c had ever eaten, made of animal organs never meant to be consumed. In thanks each of his teammates took him out for an excellent dinner on Earth.


	22. Five Times the Gate Translation System Didn't Work

1\. Languages had never been Sam’s strong suit, but even she could tell right away that something was wrong. It sounded like the inhabitants of M3Z-559 were speaking at least eight different languages. Wait, there were two more… this was unprecedented. It was the colonel who noticed the locals were only ‘speaking’ languages Daniel spoke. It turned out that somehow, the gate translation system had set itself to every language Daniel spoke. After that, Daniel was prohibited from being the first one to go through the gate. 

2\. Jack could feel a headache coming on, and he was pretty sure he wasn’t the only one. The gate translation program had to be out of whack again. He was getting English words – with the occasional Spanish adjective, weirdly enough – but they didn’t make any sense. The short blue guy pointed to Jack’s P-90 and said, “Jump iron inútil parrot on fried?” Great, just what he needed, the mental image of useless parrots being fried. 

3\. Teal’c considered himself a fairly proficient speaker of the English language by this point, so he was surprised when the translation program felt it necessary to reiterate in Goa’uld what his teammates said. Regrettably, the program confined its translation attempts to their conversations and failed to translate what the inhabitants of P4K-271 said. Despite Daniel Jackson’s best efforts, the situation quickly deteriorated. When the local people drew their swords, O’Neill declared that a universal language and ordered their return to SGC. 

4\. Daniel had a working theory that some languages, such as Unas, were too different from Earth-derived languages for the gate’s translation program to properly interpret. This was an interesting intellectual exercise when missions had thrown off his sleep schedule and he was wide awake at two in the morning. When they encountered what Jack insisted on calling the Lion People, he revised his opinion and concluded it was a terrible programming flaw. He did not enjoy trying to translate deafening roars. 

5\. Jack was convinced that, somehow or another, this was Teal’c’s fault. He was the one who’d insisted on going to the community theater to see “Julius Caesar” as part of his cultural education. And here they were the next day on Planet Shakespeare, being asked, “Wherefore art thou on our humble lands?” Jack expected a soliloquy any minute now.


	23. Five Ways Jack Kept His Promise to Show Teal'c Earth

***** One ****

After a mission which had been boring for everyone but Daniel (who was holed up in his office with video footage, rethinking everything he knew about ancient Mesopotamia) Jack felt like ice cream. Not the sub-par stuff served on base, either. He figured that he ought to introduce Teal’c to decent ice cream. 

“The mess hall continuously offers ice cream,” said Teal’c, as though this had somehow escaped Jack’s notice.

“It’s not nearly as good.” That got him one slightly raised Jaffa eyebrow. “Look, you wanted to see my world, right?”

Jack spent the ride over answering some questions which had apparently been nagging at Teal’c. He explained the basics of the entertainment industry, stressing the fact that soap operas weren’t an accurate reflection of life on Earth (to Teal’c's relief). He cleared up a couple of misconceptions regarding the extent of Hammond’s power. (“No, the mess staff doesn’t provide him a personal chef.”) And he clarified the differences between branches of the military.

At Dairy Queen he ordered a banana split for each of them. Teal’c’s eyes widened a bit after his first bite, and he asked what other foods were superior when not cooked in the mess hall. 

***** Two *****

He took Teal’c out to see the Fourth of July fireworks, which required a brief history lesson. Teal’c didn’t understand the politics involved. It seemed that British rule struck him as nothing to complain about compared to the Goa’uld, which Jack supposed was fair enough. Also, the phrase ‘no taxation without representation’ didn’t mean anything to Teal’c, who wasn’t familiar with taxes or representative government. He didn’t see the point of the judicial branch either, no matter how Jack tried to explain it to him. 

On the other hand, no ideal appealed to Teal’c as much as freedom, so the knowledge that he was among people who valued the concept of freedom made him one happy Jaffa. 

***** Three *****

When Jack first offered to teach Teal’c to play pool, the Jaffa asked what precautions had been taken to prevent alligators from accessing the pool. Jack just stared until Teal’c said that he’d seen a news story about an enormous alligator in someone’s pool down in Florida. 

Teal’c was much more interested after Jack explained that, one, there were no alligators in Colorado, and two, he was talking about something entirely different. 

When they actually started, no sooner had Jack said, “These are the pockets. The goal is to get all the balls into them,” than Teal’c swept the balls towards a corner pocket with his arm. Jack stopped him just in time. 

After racking up the balls again, Jack said, “I’ll break.” Teal’c asked if this pool was a highly destructive game, and if there should be medical personnel nearby. 

By this time, Jack was glad that O’Malley’s was almost deserted. When Teal’c sent the cue ball halfway across the room, Jack started to reconsider his assurance that medical personnel weren’t necessary. 

After all that, Teal’c decided that he didn’t care much for pool. On the other hand, he did like air hockey. In no time at all Jack had an air hockey equal for the first time in years. 

***** Four *****

Fraiser declared that the person who gave Cassandra a dog was also responsible for providing a doghouse. Jack had long ago learned that an angry CMO could make his life difficult, so he promised to build a doghouse that very weekend. Teal’c heard about this and wanted to watch. Jaffa, he said, did not have pets, and he was interested in this human concept. 

Five minutes into the project, Teal’c had hammered his thumb twice. He sat on the deck with iced tea and watched Jack build the doghouse. 

***** Five *****

He decided to introduce Teal’c to the concept of a fair. Daniel thought this had interesting anthropological potential, and Carter found the idea of Teal’c at a fair interesting enough to leave her lab during daylight hours, so they made a team afternoon of it. 

Teal’c, who had been embracing the human love of junk food, thoroughly enjoyed his cotton candy. He was less impressed with the Ferris wheel, but Carter insisted he needed to ride it to have an authentic fair experience and dragged him up with her. Back on the ground, he declared it peculiar. 

Daniel wanted fried dough, which sparked a discussion over various names for that particular treat and led Teal’c to conclude that English was needlessly complex. While they ate, Jack steered his team towards the carnival games. Generally these were a waste of money, true (though Jack was great at the shooting games), but they were an important part of the fair experience. Teal’c was extremely skeptical. Jack bought him three darts anyway and instructed him to pop a balloon or three. The first dart missed, but he popped two balloons with the others. 

When the kid manning the game asked Teal’c which stuffed animal he wanted, Teal’c turned to Jack with the most incredulous look on his face. It was absolutely worth the price of the darts. Carter almost keeled over laughing. She ended up with the frog Teal’c won, as he refused to carry it; Carter figured she’d keep it around for amusement. 

Daniel thought it might be a good time to visit the more traditional section of the fair. Teal’c quickly agreed, glaring at another carnie hawking a game. They walked across the fairgrounds via a stop for candy apples. Teal’c liked those. Clearly, his favorite part of the fair thus far was the food. 

To Daniel’s evident delight, Teal’c appreciated the less commercialized aspects of the fair. Their Jaffa friend took the opportunity to learn about animals, particularly those he ate, and food production. Jack contributed several anecdotes from the summer he spent on his great-uncle’s farm. Carter piped in with occasional commentary about the virtues of progress and technology. 

The sheep and alpacas were of particular interest to Teal’c, who had apparently never given any thought to where his clothing might come from. Neither Teal’c nor Daniel were really prepared for a Colorado winter. Teal’c bought an alpaca wool hat. Daniel bought a scarf. Jack almost choked when he looked at the price tags. But Teal’c really didn’t have any expenses other than candles for kel-no-reeming. In fact, he’d been quite surprised to learn that he was legally entitled to a paycheck. Daniel was enjoying having a steady income for probably the first time in his life, and he got paid better than the rest of them anyway. 

Jack was tempted by free samples and bought two bottles of barbeque sauce. Carter picked up handmade soap in several fruity scents. Jack failed to understand why she would want to smell like an orange, but knew better than to ask. Teal’c thoroughly enjoyed the candlemaking demonstration and bought several. He went through a crazy amount of candles. Daniel made a grandmother’s day by having an extended conversation with her in Welsh and she sent him off with a free jar of jam. 

Hopefully Junior regulated blood sugar, because Teal’c ate another candy apple and more cotton candy before they made it out the gate. His final pronouncement was that the fair was, despite some incomparably useless aspects (this he said with a wary glance at the frog under Carter’s arm), an enjoyable and educational experience. And the food was delicious.


	24. Five Ways Daniel Tried to Tell Jack that He Loves Him

1\. He started keeping a small stash of the revolting brew that is Jack’s favorite beer. Even Daniel had to admit that was so subtle it couldn’t really be distinguished from platonic gestures of friendship. Clearly more was needed, though Jack at least appreciated the beer.

2\. So he decided to show his interest in things Jack enjoyed through questions about a hockey game. That accomplished nothing except making Jack worry that Oma had tampered with Daniel’s head when she returned him to the mortal plane. Not even close to what he was going for.

3\. When they had time on their hands, he learned how to fish. True, it was because they spent five days stranded offworld while Sam fixed the DHD, but he still could’ve picked walnuts and grapes with Teal’c. The fishing alone would’ve been interminably boring, but their easy conversation made it worthwhile.

4\. He made an offhand remark about being interested in older men. That got Jack’s attention, alright, but the timing was spectacularly bad because just then a fellow IHOP customer started choking and by the time things calmed down the moment had been lost.

All of which led to:

5\. They were sitting on Jack’s couch with popcorn when Jack said, “You’ve been acting a little… different lately. Anything I should know?” Daniel clutched his bowl tightly, looked at Jack’s concerned face, and announced, “I love you. I’m **in** love with you.” For a second Jack gaped, but he recovered quickly. After setting aside his own popcorn and removing Daniel’s bowl from his grasp, he slid over and touched Daniel’s cheek reverently. “Good to know,” he whispered. When Jack kissed him, Daniel wondered why he’d waited so long.


	25. Five Ways SG-1 Got a Private Locker Room

This small, seemingly extra locker room was a quirk of the base’s design. Naturally, considerable reorganization of the base took place in the wake of Stargate Command’s creation. Jack took advantage of the barely-controlled chaos to claim the extra locker room for his team. Since nobody else could come up with a suitable counterargument, SG-1 got their private locker room and the other SG teams got locker room envy. 

It became quickly apparent that Daniel was not happy changing in front of a room full of Marines. (Particularly the Marines who weren’t there for Jack’s murderous look the first time a less-than-kind ‘dweeb’ remark was made.) It was also quickly apparent that a fair percentage of personnel were less than comfortable seeing Junior’s pouch. Jack thus convinced General Hammond to authorize what could have been the fastest renovation in Air Force history. 

SG-1 returned smelling vile one too many times with a stench that permeated the main locker room. When the other SG team leaders came to Hammond to petition that SG-1 be banished from the main locker room, they made sure to wear what had been in their lockers when SG-1 came back from a regrettable excursion to what Jack insisted on calling the Land of Shit. Their clothing reeked so badly Hammond agreed just to get them out of his office. 

When Daniel returned from the dead after the incident on Apophis’s mothership, General Hammond was both gratified to see him alive and rueful he had failed to heed Daniel’s warnings about the attack. He told Daniel to name anything he wanted, and what Daniel wanted was a private locker room for SG-1. Hammond figured he was getting off pretty lightly, all things considered. 

It was Janet’s idea. Her selling point to the general had been providing a safe, neutral place for SG-1 to deal with harder missions. That was true. What she didn’t tell him was that she’d seen Jack with Daniel when the archaeologist was sick often enough to guess that he was nursing some serious romantic interest. The colonel was too honorable to act on it, what with Daniel being married, but still, if the wrong person noticed Jack noticing Daniel, it would be bad. She never confessed this reason, but SG-1 showered her with chocolate in thanks.


	26. Five Ways SG-1 Lets Jack Think He's in Charge

1\. They always let him pick his MRE first. This appears to be deferring to his rank, but it’s no hardship, because Jack invariably picks the meal he knows the others won’t choose.

2\. When gating home, they always go through before he does, unless he’s seriously injured. And sometimes even then. Jack has a thing about seeing his ‘kids’ safely home. 

3\. They put up with being referred to as ‘kids.’ After a while, Sam and Daniel find it oddly endearing. Teal’c does not. But when Jack says ‘kids’ he’s in a good mood, which Daniel and Sam use to wring concessions such as taking samples in a river or exploring old tunnels. 

4\. Teal’c volunteers for any task he feels necessary, instead of waiting for an order. He has found the phrase, “Shall I?” to be particularly effective. 

5\. On occasion, both Daniel and Sam have been known to stretch words so that Jack’s playing-dumb comment turns into a scientific suggestion, which they can then attribute to him and carry out exactly as they wanted to in the first place.


	27. Jack's Five Favorite Goa'uld Insults

1\. “You’ve been in that body, what, a thousand years? Two thousand?” He shook his head slightly. “It’s a shame no one ever told you your nose is crooked.”

The horrified look on Aphrodite’s face was totally worth the broken finger he got for making that comment.

 

2\. “History is a fickle thing,” he informed Apophis. “For instance, these days most people on Earth have never even heard of you. To the average Tau’ri, you’re a footnote a best.” After a pause for effect, he added, “Thing about footnotes is most people don’t even read them.”

 

3\. SG-1 had the good fortune to capture a minor Goa’uld (if this particular snake had ever been to Earth, Daniel didn’t know of it) whose ship crashed. It was with great pleasure that Jack and Teal’c dragged their trussed-up foe back through the wormhole.

Jack came up with a fun new way to insult a Goa’uld. The egocentric snakes couldn’t bear to be ignored, so he outlined a brief sketch of their victories and the Tok’ra symbiote-removing abilities – all to the host. “Hang in there,” he said. “Not long now, and we’ll have this son of a bitch out of you.”

By the time they made it back to the gate, the snake was in full bombast mode, but Jack continued telling the host, “The Tok’ra are surprisingly good cooks. Try the blue soup. It’s a lot better than it looks.”

Jack had never seen a Goa’uld so angry. Teal’c later added, with great delight, that he hadn’t either.

 

4\. When Daniel announced that they were going to a world in Bastet’s domain, Jack had come prepared. Just in case. This wasn’t the kind of preparation advocated by most people, but Jack had to get his kicks somehow, and anyway the more she focused on him, the less she hurt his team.

“You will provide the information.”

“Well,” he said slowly. “There is one thing.”

She held the painstick thingy away from his flesh, a welcome relief. “Speak.”

“In my left pocket.”

Bastet’s Jaffa removed the small object and held it out. “What is this?” asked the cat lady.

“A cat toy,” replied Jack gleefully. “With catnip.”

 

5\. “So, you were in Ireland,” he began. The name didn’t seem to mean anything to Crom Cruach, but no matter. “That’s where my ancestors came from.”

“It is of no consequence.”

“I’m not a fan of religion these days. All this false god stuff. It’s funny, though: when I was a kid I picked Patrick for my confirmation name. After St. Patrick, of course. He drove the snakes out of Ireland. Maybe you remember him?”


End file.
